sweet stillness erupts my spine, tingling an atom at a time. focused inhale of love, sometimes just a word, sometimes a feeling. and sometimes it is a place, fully enveloping me with it’s presence no different than the breeze off the lake asking me to inhale, the wind chime singing, the crow gathering in formation. it is a place where golden light bounds in shafts as magical as the defined edge of my whicker chair illuminated by early light. in this place I understand, I know, I see. in this brief moment of peace I am suspended, floating in bliss and wishing that I would never leave.
To my beautiful #6, will share with you what I have told 1-5.
Dear grandchild, I love you so deeply and completely and promise to be there to hold you and make you laugh and send light to your heart even when I am no longer in this body. I urge you to take this gift of life and make it a beautiful expression.
To mom and dad. Just wait! Some day you will look at this baby and say these words. I goes faster than you think. Nail it!
I’ve never been someone who has been able to keep shoes for long. My feet sweat or I walk in a way that wears them down or seams start to come apart. It doesn’t matter if they are well made expensive got-to-have’s or cheap why-not’s they still end up in the trash because no other human being should have to wear them.
My relationships are much the same. I’d like to blame my childhood or my awkward adolescence or my over-giving personality that tends to get me into the wrong partnership, but in reality I’m not always the victim but the perpertrator. Like my shoes, I’m very hard on their souls. If I had to pin down one reason I would have to say it stems mostly from abandonment issues. If I don’t choose to loose myself in a person and feel utterly powerless, I will choose to pound them with test after test of their loyalty to the point where I actually do things I’m not proud of, like break up on their birthday. Of course this approach is flawed and has caused the bad ones to stick around and the good ones to run.
This weekend I went for a short walk in the woods, moving slowly and mindfully so that I could really see what was in front of me and what was in me. I came across a family waiting patiently as their child darted into the woods to find the perfect leaf, only to return to the path and discard it, because in the light she saw that it wasn’t so great after all.
As I continue to heal and reflect on forgiving and being forgiven, I realize that it’s time to pay attention to how I walk in this life, and who I walk with, and how we treat each other.
sometimes you have to quit. not just a job or a relationship, but an action, a wish, a deep seated desire. because it’s not there. as hard as you try it’s not there. and when you finally give up, after hours and days and weeks of pushing, there’s a peace and understanding. a grace. a gift that allows you to be here and now, present to enjoy and relax, and know that everything will work out. it always does.
it’s been a trip. I quit. I feel a little burned on the edges but now I see just how strong I am and that’s not always a good thing.
silhouettes, held in air merging, still. eyes blink as they glide across a striped grey sky illuminated, golden. dark green leaves held on branches billowing, arching. a glorious sound reminds of what was once glorious. a child born strong and clear. present for us all.
When attempting to be everything for everyone all the time, we tend to have competing priorities. Sometimes it’s best to spread your wings wide and full, and let the competing winds hold you without movement. It is in that moment you will find peace, clarity and a bit of respite.
Lungs heavy and heated pulling at my next breath as sweat drips from below the brim of my hat dripping onto my shirt and foot; yet my heart fills. Love and joy overtake peace and knowing.
No matter what I face, endure, consume or process, it all fades to memory when I walk in nature. I can’t possibly be that unique.
Where are the people who share this experience? I’m getting lonely!
I sit here watching the light on the trees that sway from yet another windy day. Overwhelmed, I sip after sip, mostly quickly. I just want to erase the day. The details not confirmed. The issues not solved. The move yet to happen but not yet. You’d think that since I’ve waited this long it would be an exciting moment but the day was big, full, like the winds. I long for just one small cloud in my bright blue sky. Just one that I can follow and admire. Another sip. Indian music plays. I have no idea what they are saying and the minor chords are somewhat irritating yet they give me hope. Hope that I can make it through this without totally loosing it. So many moving parts. I want to be there for everyone but I can’t wait to just be in my little place. My simple, safe place. I’m so grateful. The music, the demands, another sip. I tell myself that I can do this!
I wrote this almost a year ago as I was preparing for a major shift in my life. My hopes and dreams rested on a move to another state, another job, another life, the unknown. A year has passed and in some ways nothing has changed. My life is still on hold and I pass the days working and loving nature. This morning I sipped my coffee as I watched a beautiful moonset, and something shifted. It was small but important. In that moment I saw myself happy and unapologetic, wearing clothes that I felt comfortable in and fully expressed ME. I think I’m ready. I think ME has finally showed up and I’m not going to let her leave.
soft leaves, brown and silver line my steps and bed a log old, moss growing as darkness against new light green shrooms. there they emerge in layers scalloped, as if immersed in deep blue water. i stop, and wonder if I would have noticed them if I wasn’t alone, if I was distracted by chatter without real meaning or importance and at that moment, i am filled. my steps continue soft and light, alone.
bird song and water, gently flowing over muddied rocks rich with the scent of decaying leaves. peace from ease of a gentle breeze and me, alone with just my thoughts, content. clouds moving to full sun.
I’ve come to realize that being present really isn’t enough. That when I show and fully participate in life I appreciate all that is but that moment does not propel me forward. I do not take the next step. Silence is beautiful but it does not move me.
This year is going to be my THIS year. I am to show up fully and give my life some feedback, an acknowledgement. I am going to observe the sacred moment and mark it by saying THIS.
THIS is who I am. THIS is why I am here. THIS is what I want.
dawn’s light waiting patiently for darkness, slowly dissolving into night’s pool of awareness. full moon bringing light to the shadows, and contrast to otherwise flat softness, grey
my heart guarded my mind clear my fears real my words unspoken
Grounded Wisdom 