I sit here watching the light on the trees that sway from yet another windy day. Overwhelmed, I sip after sip, mostly quickly. I just want to erase the day. The details not confirmed. The issues not solved. The move yet to happen but not yet. You’d think that since I’ve waited this long it would be an exciting moment but the day was big, full, like the winds. I long for just one small cloud in my bright blue sky. Just one that I can follow and admire. Another sip. Indian music plays. I have no idea what they are saying and the minor chords are somewhat irritating yet they give me hope. Hope that I can make it through this without totally loosing it. So many moving parts. I want to be there for everyone but I can’t wait to just be in my little place. My simple, safe place. I’m so grateful. The music, the demands, another sip. I tell myself that I can do this!
I wrote this almost a year ago as I was preparing for a major shift in my life. My hopes and dreams rested on a move to another state, another job, another life, the unknown. A year has passed and in some ways nothing has changed. My life is still on hold and I pass the days working and loving nature. This morning I sipped my coffee as I watched a beautiful moonset, and something shifted. It was small but important. In that moment I saw myself happy and unapologetic, wearing clothes that I felt comfortable in and fully expressed ME. I think I’m ready. I think ME has finally showed up and I’m not going to let her leave.
bird song and water, gently flowing over muddied rocks rich with the scent of decaying leaves. peace from ease of a gentle breeze and me, alone with just my thoughts, content. clouds moving to full sun.
I’ve come to realize that being present really isn’t enough. That when I show and fully participate in life I appreciate all that is but that moment does not propel me forward. I do not take the next step. Silence is beautiful but it does not move me.
This year is going to be my THIS year. I am to show up fully and give my life some feedback, an acknowledgement. I am going to observe the sacred moment and mark it by saying THIS.
THIS is who I am. THIS is why I am here. THIS is what I want.
In knowing, what grows beside you as tendrils from your stem, your root. Maybe something from the past. A relationship, or wrong doing or mistreatment. They grow out of you and share your soil, your nourishment, and your light. Only when you become aware of those shoots, can you choose not to feed them. Only when you become aware of their life tangled and intermingled with your roots, can you choose to discard them.
Even then, even when you choose to slay their gnarled intrusion, even then, you still may not be aware that this life is just a small part of who you are.
Your task is to know this and grow. Because when your roots are fairly set, you can reach and grow no matter what the past brought, or what the future will bring.
My brow of sweat like children on a playground. Full and loud. Only warm water to drink yet joy fills my heart as I witness another, wings full, colorful and light.
In clear moments we see that we have a choice. That we don’t have to just let life choose for us.
We then realize that up to that moment of clarity, we were never ready for a new relationship because we had to trust ourselves, believe in ourselves, know that we could succeed on our own. We needed to know that we were all that we needed before we could depend on someone else.
Only then. Only then will we be ready for an equal relationship, that is based not only on the security of being a dependent, but also on the equality of being independent.
chirps of cardinals, wind pushing cool air onto my cheek rosy with frost, fresh and tingling almost burning, my steps rhythmic crunching and crunching as I move forward in my desire, the desire to change the landscape of my life from frost to mud, then warm sun, golden
Out of the frost I move with conviction to change.
Crunchy steps under spiked boots on mud and ice. Slow drops on branch tips unable to decide if they were liquid or solid. Rain and 37 degrees making wet clothes from the rain and from the sweat. Raw wind as welcome relief from my body overheating, yet the air was fresh. The forest’s exhale was a gift. Despite the unpleasant conditions, the externals, the air brought me to the moment. The perfect moment when my sweaty body was refreshed. The misty raw air, hitting my face was wet and wild and alive, and I was free from that which was unpleasant.
May this year bring you the freedom to be wet and wild and alive and not be pulled out of that beautiful moment by externals.
I walk slowly having made it to the top. My breath slows and returns to normal and I am grateful that this moment brings me peace in the clouds and mist, because the path that I am on honors my true self.